Happy Memorial Day Weekend everyone!
I am so excited to bust out my linen clothing and my white pants. Just kidding. You all know I love livin’ in the nude. And if I did wear clothes, I sure as hell wouldn’t be excited about wearing white pants.
While I would ordinarily enjoy a lovely three-day weekend welcoming the arrival of summer— attending parades, grilling meat, sipping a cold brew or two, and of course memorializing— it’s supposed to be freezing and rainy where I live. THE WHOLE WEEKEND. So this is what I’ll be doing:
For those of you who are in sunnier parts of the country, I’ve got some Memorial Day Weekend tips. You’re welcome.
1. Don’t stand too close to the grill. Especially if you are a tiny, plush elephant or an even tinier, faceless rabbit. Or if you’ve consumed a lot of booze and are highly flammable.
2. The more beer you plan to drink outside, the higher the SPF should be on your sunscreen. Unless you’re going for that tripped out, my-face-is-on-fire feeling you get after a day of drinking in the hot sun… in which case replace your sunscreen with olive oil.
3. If you want to improve your town’s parade, fire the costume designer for the high school marching band. Those pants aren’t doing anyone’s crotch any favors, especially not the portly flag twirler at the front of the line. Camel. Toe.
4. Croquet, Horseshoes, Slip n’ Slide, and Capture the Flag are all awesome outdoor games, but if you want your party to be a real success, go for Badminton. It appeals to preppies, hipsters, and low-brow yahoos who love the word “shuttlecock.” Fun for everyone. Until Howard slaps you across the face with his shuttlecock. Or until he drills you in the ass with his shuttlecock. SHUTTLECOCK.
5. Finally, don’t eat too much corn. It’s always freaky the next morning when you take a big dump and your turd looks like a corn cob.
HOWARD. Bring me more tequila so I don’t have to get out of my tub.